Our Dandelions

What's this? My mind deceives me.

I dance with my thoughts, cling to them tightly,

Then push them away.

What's this, but a distant memory,

Daring to creep back,

Haunting me.

Our dandelions grow,

They spread like a plague.

But what's this?

December,

And they have withered away;

My only souvenir.

So proud are we,

Members of this generation.

Doing anything to protect

This facade that they all see.

But what's this? Could it be

That I want you to notice

My not-so-subtleties?

It is so, but it seems

You don't see what I see.

It appears that the tables have turned.

What's this? The once strong and independent,

Becomes the one who is unsure.

I suppose this is what I deserve.

The Father's Promise

Found am I,

the broken-hearted,

so ashamed of what I've been.

Remain in me, Father,

for I have sinned,

but I am renewed in You again.

I have left You many times,

but still You wait for me.

With outstretched arms, You call.

"There is a burden,

though it is light,"

these, Your words to all.

In Your voice, there is rest.

Gently, yet humbling me, You spoke.

"Come, walk along with Me,

as I carry the weight of this yoke."

Rondeau

I haven't blogged in FOREVER. And I know that a lot has happened and I'm slackin', but I still write and journal a lot. (: I write every day in creative writing, and usually I hate what I write in that class. But today we had to write a rondeau, which is just a type of poem with the rhyme scheme aabba aaba aabbaa. The last line of the last two stanzas (which I've marked 'a') should repeat part of/ the entire opening line of the rondeau. Anyway, I actually liked the one I wrote about two seconds ago, so here it is.

You cannot hide your lies from me,




Though I'll admit I've been deceived.



Your thrashing words plastered in my mind,



I endured that pain for the longest time.



And still your promises, you've yet to keep.







I'm naive? Yes, that may be.



Every foolish line, I believed.



You laugh. "How could she be so blind?"



But you cannot hide your lies from me.







It would seem you have the victory.



But revenge will remain my destiny.



I see you in your cave, disguised,



As you wait for your next victim to arrive.



You cannot hide your lies from me.

I haven't forgotten

For anyone reading this, it is not about me. It's about my best friend. Well, actually, it's for my best friend. I think it's something a lot of people can relate to in one way or another, but not on this level. Enjoy.













Dear Old Friend,


How are you? I hope you're well. Me? Well, I've learned to deal with the circumstances. Though I've dreamt about you every day of my life since you left me behind, you've become a distant memory. I still remember exactly what you looked like then, but I guess you've probably changed. Believe it or not, I've changed a bit too. Yes, I'm still that cute little innocent girl with the big brown eyes and sweet personality, but I think I'm more independant. You helped me with that. But it would still mean the world to me if, just this once, you could reply.

Love always, Me








































Dear Boy I once knew,

You wouldn't believe how fast the years are going by for me. At least, it seems that way looking back. I've found it's easier to cope when I surround myself with friends. But I'm afraid there will always be this hole at the end of the day, and it's an odd size...it's your size. You probably think I'm crazy, don't you? Writing to you just about every week like this. I suppose I know by now that you won't answer, but it's still pleasant to dream. Tell me, dear Boy, what exactly do you dream about? Do you remember your favorite girl?

Love always, Me











































Dear Blurry Memory,

I don't think I can do this anymore. Sitting at my computer, wondering if I should write this or not. Know what it's about? Of course you do. But the memories, the writings, they're all I have to bring me closer to you. And so I have to write, though the words just seem to all run together. They say the same things to me. I force myself to read them, and over and over again, I see the same words. I'm only left with one thing to say: I miss you, Zach. You'll never understand. Don't feel sorry for me. I wouldn't want to get in the way of your happy and busy life. But it wouldn't hurt to let me know you're still out there, somewhere.

Love always, Me


































Dear Zach,

I'm just writing to say that this will be my last letter. Who knows, maybe we'll catch up one day? Yeah, yeah you know what? We will catch up one day. But for now, I need closure. I need to smile, and mean it. Don't ever think you're holding me back from that, my love. You never could. This is just for me. Thank you for everything you've done for me. You've given me hope, and something to look forward to. There will never be anybody quite as amazing as you were, darling.

Love always, Me















Caitlyn, this was for you. I know I can't fully understand what you're going through, but I tried. Hope you like it. Love you, best friend <3

I Shall Fear No Evil

Okay, one thing I miss the most about Saranac is the real talks we had. So it's time to get real again.

Truth is, I'm afraid.

I'm afriad of sharks.
I'm afraid of drowning.
I'm afraid of walking outisde my house at night.
I'm afraid of being kidnapped.
I'm afraid someone will break into the house.
I'm afraid of being killed.
I'm afraid I'll be forgotten.
I'm afraid I won't always have my friends to lean on.
I'm afraid I will never figure out what I want to do with my life.
I'm afraid I won't be successful.
I'm afraid of what people think of me.
I'm afraid I'm worth nothing.
I'm afraid of losing my parents.
I'm afraid of living alone.
I'm afraid I'll never get married.
I'm afraid of rejection.
I'm afraid I won't fulfill my purpose in life.

But if Jesus is my best friend,




then what is there to be afraid of?



I accepted you...





And that was the smartest decision I could ever make <3


Psalm 138:8 The Lord will fulfill His purpose for me.
Psalm 23:4 Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I shall fear no evil

Why couldn't you have been mine?

Why?

Why
Why
Why
Why

Why do I keep going back to the same old thing?

       Why is it so easy to remember, but so hard to forget?
             
              Why does it seem so perfect, yet I'm the only one who notices?

Why is this so hard?

Okay, so it's not like that many people read my blog. In fact, I believe that the only person who does read it is my best friend, Caitlyn Cain. But she cares, and I tell her everything anyway, so what do I have to lose by writing everything about myself in this blog? (In case you're wondering, yes there is indeed something wrong with me.)

Obviously, at one point in time, we have all asked that same question: "Why can't I just have everything go my way?" And actually, I do know the answer to this. It's simple. It's not our plans that matter, it's God's. I realize that if it were up to me, my life would be spiraling out of control and I'd have absolutely no idea how to pick myself up again. However, I am constantly asking that same question. A lot.


He was beautiful; I was nothing.

Every day I faced the fact that it just wouldn't happen.
So what if our dads go way back?
So what if I wanted him for the longest time?
Why did it only seem perfect to me?

Who was I kidding?

I lived in this dream, this illusion, that I was something special.
It worked for me, but dreams were so much better than reality.
Still, every word you said to me, I held on to.
How many girls actually cared that much?

He was my friend. Finally.

Years passed, we grew up, and I'd given up.
But I hadn't completely moved on.
We actually talked. We were friends. And I played it cool.
Of course, he had a girlfriend. But was he starting to fall for me?
Yes.

And I fell, hard.

When he liked me, I felt like there wasn't a thing in the world I needed.
When he liked me, I smiled a little more.
When he liked me, well, I found out he was a real person.

Because it ended.

He had a girlfriend. What was wrong with me?
It ended with that. We didn't talk for months.
It was the hardest blow I think I've ever taken.
You think I'm overreacting? Probably. But this is my story.

Believe it or not, you move on.

Same classes, same friends, same intrests.
We were bound to be friends.
He sat behind me in Latin. We didn't learn a thing that year.
We talked about things we never had before.
Wanna know why? Because he was becoming my best friend.

I love that boy.

More than a friend? Probably not.
Will something ever happen? Hard to say.
Would I push it and risk losing my best friend? Never ever.
Sometimes I wish it all could just go my way.
But I'm starting to believe that there really is a reason for everything.

E v e r y L i t t l e T h i n g

This is Goodbye

You think you're something, don't you
Stepping over girls like me
They're fragile, you know it
But all you're after is the next best thing

Go on and leave me, please
It's better without you anyway
Don't bother coming back
Because I was never one to stay

Take all my

m e m o r i e s.

They're useless to me

Take all the time I spent

a l o n e

With you.

Take all the time you need to think it through

And I'll just keep living life without you

Well, here you come again
Slipping back into your old ways
What a shame, I gotta say
I thought I finally found my way

O u t.

Don't blame me, just save it
I'd like to see you try to change me
And knock down the wall that I built
Just for you

It's easy to dream and watch everything
Fall so imperfectly into perfection
But that position was meant to be filled
By somebody else

Not the person who gives just enough
To keep me running back, out of breath

I'm worn out

But it's not in my hands anymore

And while you just keep doing what you do
You'll be fading

A w a y

And I'll just keep living life without you.