It Was Better When I Was On Top

Have you ever had a really great dream that felt real, and you remember everything like it really happened? But then you wake up, and you realize that you were tricked; that the dream was only a dream.



I’m standing here looking in the mirror, talking to myself. I’m not crazy; that just seems to be the one person that listens best. And I’m not looking for advice; just a friend. I guess it’s hypocritical for me to think this is unfair. After all, I treated them the same way you treated me. The only difference is they can jump back on their feet faster than I can. When they opened up to me, they didn’t care that they were shot down. It just allowed them to move on. Me, however, I thought I was stronger. I told myself over and over again that I could get hurt, but that it was worth it. Was it really worth it? Then after it was over, I became a little too careful. Who was I kidding thinking I was as insensitive as everyone around me? Every blow I take personally, and to them, well, it’s just what happens. I can’t expect them to sympathize. No. I don’t want anyone to sympathize. I just want to be numb to the blows. I want to be able to make my own decisions and be able to handle the consequences without it hurting. But that won’t be possible, no matter how many hits I take.


Why do I continue to stare at a broken clock? It’s because I’m waiting, wondering if there’s a chance that it might move. When everybody else has given up, I’m still here. But sometimes I get frustrated with myself because I want to accept that what’s broken isn’t going to work. Is it wrong to have hope? Or is it just that I’m so anxious to find what I was looking for in the first place? Why does it seem to work for them better and even faster than it ever has for me? Maybe it’s because I’m destined for more, and I’m not supposed to be wasting my time on this. Or maybe it’s just me. Maybe I’m really not capable of being the person I’ve tried so hard to be.


So what now? Please, don’t tell me. I don’t want you to tell me. I just want it to happen on its own. I can’t say that I won’t ever be hurt again, because I know for a fact that I will. I’m just waiting for the day that I won’t feel the sting.