It Was Better When I Was On Top

Have you ever had a really great dream that felt real, and you remember everything like it really happened? But then you wake up, and you realize that you were tricked; that the dream was only a dream.



I’m standing here looking in the mirror, talking to myself. I’m not crazy; that just seems to be the one person that listens best. And I’m not looking for advice; just a friend. I guess it’s hypocritical for me to think this is unfair. After all, I treated them the same way you treated me. The only difference is they can jump back on their feet faster than I can. When they opened up to me, they didn’t care that they were shot down. It just allowed them to move on. Me, however, I thought I was stronger. I told myself over and over again that I could get hurt, but that it was worth it. Was it really worth it? Then after it was over, I became a little too careful. Who was I kidding thinking I was as insensitive as everyone around me? Every blow I take personally, and to them, well, it’s just what happens. I can’t expect them to sympathize. No. I don’t want anyone to sympathize. I just want to be numb to the blows. I want to be able to make my own decisions and be able to handle the consequences without it hurting. But that won’t be possible, no matter how many hits I take.


Why do I continue to stare at a broken clock? It’s because I’m waiting, wondering if there’s a chance that it might move. When everybody else has given up, I’m still here. But sometimes I get frustrated with myself because I want to accept that what’s broken isn’t going to work. Is it wrong to have hope? Or is it just that I’m so anxious to find what I was looking for in the first place? Why does it seem to work for them better and even faster than it ever has for me? Maybe it’s because I’m destined for more, and I’m not supposed to be wasting my time on this. Or maybe it’s just me. Maybe I’m really not capable of being the person I’ve tried so hard to be.


So what now? Please, don’t tell me. I don’t want you to tell me. I just want it to happen on its own. I can’t say that I won’t ever be hurt again, because I know for a fact that I will. I’m just waiting for the day that I won’t feel the sting.

One Day (For Julia)

Was it wrong to believe that I could have the world?

Is it bad that I’ve seen too many fairy tales with happy endings?

How could you get my hopes so high just to push me on the ground?

And now you’re gonna keep everything inside

And I’ll just wait and hope that one day

Maybe you’ll come around

Come around

Just say the word and I’ll be there, don’t have to tell me twice

Cause I’d do anything to see those beautiful eyes shine

When will I get my chance to show you how great we could be?

I’d walk ten thousand miles for you to see what I’ve seen all along

And I swear I’m gonna prove you wrong…

One day

One day

Let’s take a walk, just you and me, and let this last forever

If you could only hear everything I’ve been holding in

You’d want to be together

But time just keeps dragging on, and the one thing I wanna know is

Why couldn’t you just see what’s been there

All along?

All along

Just say the word and I’ll be there, don’t have to tell me twice

Cause I’d do anything to see those beautiful eyes shine

When will I get my chance to show you how great we could be?

I’d walk ten thousand miles for you to see what I’ve seen all along

And I swear I’m gonna prove you wrong…

One day

One day

I’ll break through the wall that’s been standing in between us

And I’ll figure you out

Just promise me you won’t fight back

And let your wall come down

Please come around

Come around

Just say the word and I’ll be there, don’t have to tell me twice

Cause I’d do anything to see you smile

When will I get my chance to show you everything we could be?

I’d walk ten thousand miles for you to see what I’ve seen

All along

And I swear, oh I swear I’ll prove you wrong

One day





Dear Boy

Dear Boy,



It didn’t take long to figure out how much I like you, and it was always there, hidden. It didn’t matter what anybody else thought for those past couple of days, because I only cared about what you thought of me. And all I asked for was that you felt the same way too.


When you get your hopes high, it makes the fall back down ten times worse. I don’t want to believe it could be over, because I’m not willing to let it go. And if you care enough to read this, I just felt I had to say that I don’t consider our time together to have ever been a waste.


It was better before when we were new to this, and I let my imagination fool me. I guess ignorance is bliss. So Dear Boy, I’ll be here if anything changes.


If it had been anyone else, I’d say, "It’s not worth losing precious sleep." But where do I go from here after I’ve jumped in way too deep?


Dear Boy, I don’t know exactly how you think. I just know you have a way of coming easily to me. And if it was her you wanted it to be all along, then I have to tell you, Dear Boy, that I have to move on.



"But you could make me smile
My heart could fly
Ten hundred miles to see your eyes." -Caitlyn Cain